My mood kind of fits the subject. It is a song that I have been listening to lately. I have been listening to happy peppy music off and on trying to feel better, but nothing seems to be working.

I know part of the reason why I am so meh today is because I had to make the most difficult decision I could proably make at this point in my life. I had to drop Jazz Band . For everyone who knows me band is my life and I may not make it seem like it is, but in all reality it is! The reason I had to drop it is because I can't keep missing three days of the week and going two. I miss things that we learned during class and I miss things that have changed. I am surprised I did as well as I did last year with our theme concert. We had to learn all the songs by ear and I did it, but barely. I can see how it disappoints Propst that I can't be there everyday. I don't have time after school for lessons to make up what I missed in class...not this year. Alicia offered to drive me, but I don't know if  Ican do that...it is so out of the way. Jazz Band is the best class I have and now that I don't have it anymore...it kills me on the inside.

Another reason as to why I am so bumbed is because I know that I am growning apart from my friends. My two best frieds are Jessie and Tiona. I am growing away from Jessie because she is just stuck at the age of 14. She is almost 18, but she acts like a kids still. I am just starting to get annoyed with her always needing everyone's attention and always finding someway to take some kind of accomplishment that someone else has and making it her own. In middle school I had Track and I wanted it in high school...I was doing it over the summer and then she started doing it and I was like what...she has football...which she thinks she is the best out of everyone and she whines and complaines when she doesn't get to play. The only reason she is on varsity this year is because she is a senior!

Then there is Tiona...we still hang out and do things together, but you can feel us starting to move apart. Which I should have expected to happen...after this school year we are going to live at the least 8 hours apart and she is goin to meet some guy down in Coos Bay and I will meet some guy in Washington. We will spend most of outr time worrying about work and boyfriends. I am sure we will talk a little bit, but not much. It hurts to know that I am going to lose my best friend after the last bell on the last day of school i'm probably going to cry.

Another stress...school!! I have so much pressure to graduate this year that I feel like I am not even going to make it. The thought of dropping out has crossed my mind which is scary especially since I am so close to high school being over. I mentioned one carreer that I thought about and now that is almost like what people are excpecting me to do. Maybe I want to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life and live alone in a little studio appartment that doesn't even hold me and a cat! If I really became a doctor that would be great, but it would be ten times easier for me to become a teacher than it would to be a doctor. After high school that is another 8 years at the least of college to become a doctor and I barely made it through the first 14 years of school. I guess 8 is less than 14, but idk.

Boys...nuff said right. I like two guys...one guy I see all the time and I know for a fact that he doesn't like me like I like him and the other guy I don't see very often and I know he likes me. I really shouldn't be worrying about boys right now...I was in a long relationship that ended in a bad way. I still love Eric and I know I always will! I really wish that things hadn't ended between us. I see him every morning and ever day during school...it kills me that I can' walk up to him and give him a hug and talk to him and things be fine.The day that I wrote that stupid blog and said that it was over I cried and I wanted to call him and talk to him so bad, but I couldn't do it. I had to, things hurt way to much...not talking.

I am tired of trying to talk to people and tell them my problems when they ask and then they turn around and make things about them and we are talking about their problems or the start talking to me like everything is fine and I am just making a big deal out of nothing. I hold my stress and my worries back from everyone...I sit at school with a smile on my face letting people think that I am happy and nothing is ever wrong with Brittaney.

I am just way to stressed to do anything right now...I really just want to crawl into bed and just not wake up for a few years.

A~ I got mad sisterly love for you!

G and W~ You two girls are like the bomb and you both make me laugh!  Igot love for you.

G~ You are a good friend and I got love for you even if you don't give it back.

I hope you can figure out who is who for that...the A G W G.

Peace to all that read my stuff.